Lost in Neverland

That's it...

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 00:20:50 GMT

I am my worst enemy ...

Stand OUT!!!!

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 18:06:24 GMT

When time is up tell me what you've got
and we make the best of it
anyfar when you realise that you've gone too far
just a bit
I love life too much at a time
and that's killing me
I turn my head and you are gone

Tell me something, anything
to keep me from falling apart
Ain't got no money, no place to live
but I think I can live with it
When the walls are closing in
you gotta break the door
What you see is only skindeep

Right now I'm done
I'd give anything for peace of mine
I'm not alright
Right now I'm done
I'd give anything for peace of mine
I'm not alright

When you stop laughing at yourself
that's when you're starting to loose your grip
and you become an impersonal actor
playing whatever role you choose

No one saves us from ourselves
and I'm my worst enemy
Every star shines bright
to they fade away

Stand out - loud and proud
Give them anything you got
and give them all
Shine a light - shine bright
Whatever happens along the way
is meant to be

I don't know how far I can go
I'm just holding to what I know
Always searching for something new
and end up fine with something else
I love life too much at a time
and that's hurting me
I turn my head and you are gone

how many times can you listen to certain words????

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:19:30 GMT

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:50:11 GMT

Missing...

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 19:18:53 GMT

I'm here today so far away
But tomorrow I'll be on my way home
Things we do and things we say
Sometimes make the world look so strange
And finally I realize I'm too fortunate to cry
But everything may end today
And the tears don't ask me why

another wedding...me marrying the lyrics of estranged ^^

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 23:49:53 GMT

When you`re talkin to yourself and nobody`s home
You can fool yourself you came in this world alone(alone)
So nobody ever told you baby how it was gonna be
so what`ll happen to you baby
guess we`ll have to wait and see
ONE TWO
Old at heart but I`m only 28
and I`m much too young to let love break my heart
Young at heart but it`s getting much too late
to find ourselves so far apart
I don`t know how you`re s`posed to find me lately
and what more could you ask from me
how could you say that I never needed you
when you took everything
said you took everything from me
Young at heart and it gets so hard to wait
when no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I mustn`t hesitate
if I`m to find my own way out
Still talking to myself and nobody`s home (alone)
So nobody ever told us baby how it was gonna be
so what`ll happen to us baby
guess we`ll have to wait and see
When I find out all the reasons
maybe I`ll find another way, find another day
with all the changing seasons of my life
maybe I`ll get it right next time
And that you`ve been broken down
got your head up of the clouds
you`re back down on the ground
and you don`t talk so loud and you don`t walk so proud
any more, and what for
Well I jumped into the river
too many times to make it home
I`m out there on my own and drifting all alone
if it doesn`t show give it time
to read between the lines
`Cause I see the storm`s getting closer
and the waves they get so high
seems everything we`ve ever known`s here
why must it drift away and die
I`ll never find anyone to replace you
guess I`ll have to make it through this time
all this time, without you
I knew the storm was getting closer
and all my friends said I was high
but everything we`ve ever known`s here
I never wanted it to die......

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 01:14:26 GMT

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Tears in my eyes...

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 00:57:27 GMT

I am afraid...

Afraid of living,
Afraid of what life brings to me.
Afraid of you,
Afraid of words.

So fucking afraid of myself.

Help me out....

Fremd...

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:20:24 GMT

ja das ist es. Vollkommen fremd fühle ich mich hier.
Ich habe keine Ahnung mehr wer diese Leute um mich herum sind.
Und mal ganz davon abgesehen, hatten die noch nie auch nur die geringste Ahnung davon wer ich bin...

seufz

und nun?
Wie viele Vorwürfe, Beschwerden, Vorträge etc soll ich noch über mich entgehen lassen.

Hallo??????????????????? Ich bin das...Ich, ICH, I C H

warum kann ich mein leben nicht so leben, wie ich es gern hätte. so wie ich mich wohl fühle, so wie ich glücklich werde? warum macht ihr mir diesen strich durch die rechnung?

Ich bin auf dem besten Wege glücklich zu werden, ich gehe gerade darauf zu, auf das Glück. Es ist quasi griffbereit.
Warum stellt ihr euch in den Weg?
WARUM? warum verdammt noch mal?

Ich mag weinen, schreien, um mich schlagen
WEG LAUFEN...
ganz weit.

Und doch weiß ich, dass es nicht das geringste bringt.
Eure Vorwürfe, ob ausgesprochen oder stumm, werde ich immer in meinem Ohr hallen hören. Eure Blicke bleiben in mein Hirn gebrannt.

Ich bin es, die ach so böse ist.
Ich bin es, die schuld ist.
Ich bin diejenige, die euch wehtut. Euch quält...

was glaubt ihr denn bitte? dass es mir spaß macht?? Dass ich genau das und so wollte?

Nein...!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ich will doch nur mal ICH sein. Einmal in meinem Leben auf mich blicken, auf alles was ich habe blicken und lächeln können.
Jetzt habe ich die Chance und ihr belastet sie mit Schmerz.

D A N K E !

letter to myself

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 02:35:05 GMT

Ich geh hier nicht weg,
Hab meine Frist verlängert.
Neue Zeitreise, offene Welt.
Habe dich sicher in meiner Seele.
Ich trag dich bei mir bis der Vorhang fällt.
Ich trag dich bei mir bis der Vorhang fällt...

<3

Alone in the night on my own
I feel the pain inside me
Only you can heal me

missing her
missing him
loneliness

You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold

try to understand me and my dreams

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much

pretend to be...
close the matters
don't look back
don't miss those persons
don't miss the once so-called friends

I’m stuck in a place
Prisoner of this room
Painful memories of me and you
I take colors on longing
And paint you on my wall

can't go forward
not able to take a step behind
missing you
missing all those lost
missing me

With souls to be saved
And faith regained
All our tears wipe away

The Ending

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:36:37 GMT

Dream on you boys
I know it feels cold around now
But we will raise our voices someday
Leave the past behind
And smile for what is here now
We will be as one all the way
On the way to wonderland
On the way to wonderland

We don't know wonderland
We don't know how to get there
We will keep on searching for the way
We dream all the way
Of the moments we'll have there
We can see them all clear today
On the way to wonderland
On the way

Sometimes the night is cold
There are times we hurt inside
Sometimes the goal seems too far away
We don't know wonderland
We've heard about the ones who've been there
It's a place made for us they say
On the way to wonderland

We see the sun we're gonna run
Towards the wonderland
The only place where we belong
The search will never end
We push against the wind and rain
Beating tears and pain
Together we can find
Together we can find

We see the sun we're gonna run
Towards the wonderland
The only place where we belong
The search will never end
We push against the wind and rain
Beating tears and pain
Together we can find
Together we can find
Together we can find

Wonderland...Wonderland...Wonderland...
Wonderland...Wonderland...Wonderland...

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 21:13:36 GMT

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 23:14:13 GMT

I thought about to stop writting in here. ... don´t know why but I think its enough. i am sad of all this written things i ve to read in here, i want to hear them not only to read them, i want a normal way of communication. so hmm..

but hun pleased me not to stop this, cos she thinks otherwise she wouldnt get to know things about me anymore..

is it true??? hmmm might be...
sad eh? i am sad in this situation..

so i guess i ll go on, change nothing, continue..

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:27:19 GMT

There's one thing that will never change....

Fri, 30 May 2008 18:28:57 GMT

I doubt myself today 4am the world is sleeping
Wonder why no one's here just me and this needless weeping

Running away from you, was the first mistake from my side
Running away from you, was the worst mistake of my life
If I could turn back time...but then no one can...

So many things left unsaid, so many things I couldn't write down
When my weakness made me scared

Your presence built me stronger and all that disapprovement
Of hope is flying over, like dust in the wind
If I could turn back time get right back where we start from...but I can't

Your presence built me stronger and all that disapprovement
Of hope is flying over, like dust in the wind
If I could turn back time get right back where we start from...but I can't

No I can't...but I can't...

omg

Sat, 10 May 2008 11:53:44 GMT

I want to kill him and marry him the same time...
fuck Jonne, stop writting such songs with lyrics that made me so confused ...

i just could cry of this amazing stuff he produced.
he cries out my soul somehow...

have a look at "an ornament" it could be my words...

and thanks for "motherfucker just like you"
finally someone dared to speak it out....
kiitos

i just want to marry this guy.....
<3

this is me

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 17:27:04 GMT

unmasked and frail

<3

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 01:55:50 GMT

Actually I wanted to write this for weeks O_o
but I just didn´t get the chance to or whatever..
and actually it was planned to be written in german cos i feared that someone won´t understand. hmm no understand is the wrong word..he understands, yes he fuckin´ does .. but .. hmm... maybe it would cause jealousy again ??? -.- or whatever.
but then i talked to him. explained to him. a slight flash of jealousy he said but fast gone again. he thinks its sweet, it´s beautiful, he likes it... he understands so well !!!

so lets try to tell you what it is all about my hun :)
this is what you ever wanted. you doubted from time to time in the decision we made eh? cos you feared to have no chance as long as he will be there. but thats fuckin nonesense ^^ believe me.
these are two different kind of shoes. two different feelings. both time love. love this feeling so clear and sure, yeah thats the thing you both have in common. --> my love...
but both of you receive different kind of ... but both of you receive. so much that I have to wonder very often that i am possible to feel it as enormous as I do O.o

he knows that i love him and i want to be sure that you know as well that i love you so much <3

so this one´s for you:

So viele Nächte lag ich wach
Meine Augen rot vom Weinen im Schlaf
Den Kelch mit Tränen aufgefüllt
Meine Wunden ins Leintuch eingehüllt
Die letzten Tage waren für mich mehr als der Horror. Es war seltsam so etwas zu fühlen, was ich Tag für Tag die letzte Woche fühlte. Es war einfach schlicht und ergreifend unbekannt. Ich hab nie jemanden so sehr vermisst. noch nie! (kenne es bloß von einem Ort und das ist noch mal ein ganz anderes Gefühl) Einen Menschen scheinbar so sehr zu brauchen, dass es so schrecklich weh tut, wenn er nicht da ist, kommt einem verrückt vor, aber dagegen tun konnte ich auch nichts. wollte ich ehrlich gesagt auch nicht.
Ich konnte kaum schlafen, wenn ich nicht kurz zuvor noch deine Stimme am Telefon hören durfte. Ich schlafe generell schon schlecht, aber ohne dich schien es vollends unmöglich. Ich quälte mich ins Bett, versuchte mich dazu zu zwingen in den Schlaf zu fallen. Meistens vergebens! Ich vermisste dich zu sehr. Zu viele Gedanken schossen mir durch den Kopf. Vermissen, Ängste, Verwirrung...Geweint habe ich letztendlich....zu mehr war ich nicht in der Lage....
Was soll ich suchen, das mich stützt?
Wo ist der Mensch, der mich beschützt?
Ich hatte echt keinen Plan, was zur Hölle ich dagegen tun sollte. An wen ich mich wenden konnte, denn selbst, wenn man mich verstand, so konnte doch niemand etwas daran ändern. Ich würde wahrscheinlich den Schmerz in Ärger wandeln und auf wen auch immer wütend sein. Das wollte ich nicht...also machte ich es mit mir selbst aus. Mit dem Gedanken, dass du bald wieder bei mir sein würdest und wieder auf mich Acht geben würdest!
Sie ist nicht von dieser Welt
Die Liebe, die mich am Leben hält
Ohne dich wär's schlecht um mich bestellt
Denn Sie ist nicht von dieser Welt
Die Liebe, die mich am Leben hÃ¤lt
Ohne dich wÃ¤r's schlecht um mich bestellt
Komisch, so verdammt lange brauchte ich um zu verstehen, was genau es ist, was ich da für dich empfinde, dabei war es so eindeutig. Jeder sah es, nur wir schienen zu blind. Ich fühlte es, konnte es nur nicht einordnen. Es war...wie gesagt komisch, seltsam, ungewohnt. Doch ich lernte zu verstehen, was es war, dass sich in mir breit machte. Liebe... aber in einem Maße, wie ich es noch nicht kannte. So anders, so vollkommen, so wunderschön...
Es ist wahr, wenn ich dir sage
Dass es mich quält, wenn ich mich frage
Kann ich noch leben ohne dich?
Ständig frage ich es mich. Immer und immer wieder frage ich mich, ob es ohne dich noch gehen würde. Jetzt wo du weg bist, die eine Woche von mir getrennt, sehe ich, was ich durchmache. Verstehe ich, dass es für mich die Hölle auf Erden bedeutet....
Eine Antwort brauche ich nicht mehr
Du bist der Inhalt meines Lebens
Dich suchte ich vergebens ohoh
Tag für Tag ohne dich wäre für mich der Albtraum überhaupt. Momentan gibt es einfach keine größere Angst in meinem Leben. Was ich ohne dich machen würde, willich mir nicht ausmalen, denn es geht nicht mehr. Du bist ein Teil von mir geworden, ohne dich funktioniere ich nicht mehr. Ich würde einfach zerfallen, in Tausend Stücke, denn du bist der Mensch, der mich zusammen hält. Ich wusste nicht wie schön es sein kann, jemand wie dich zu haben. Ich sehnte mich immer nach etwas wie dem, was wir haben. Etwas so wunderbares, etwas, das mich am Leben hält, was mir die Freude des Lebens zeigt...Jemand, der mich einfach nur zum Lächeln bringt und mir immer wieder zeigt, wie wichtig Hoffnung ist und mir ebenso Hoffnungen gibt..
Du bist mein Licht, das die Nacht erhellt
So 'was ist nicht von dieser Welt
Du bist diejenige, die es immer und immer wieder aufs Neue schafft mich rauszuziehen aus meinem kleinen Mauseloch, in das ich mich so gern verkrieche. Oder nein, gar noch besser, ich spüre kaum noch das Verlangen danach mich zu verkriechen, weil du mir zeigst, dass ich auch so weiterkomme, dass ich mich nicht verkriechen muss, dass ich klarkomme, denn du hilfst mir ...
Du hörst die Schmerzen, die ich spüre
Bevor zu Herz eine offene Türe
Du verstehst mich so gut wie immer, bist für mich da. Ich kann mit dir reden, was ich sonst nie kann, mit niemanden. Ich kann dir mein tiefstes Inneres offenbaren, ohne auch nur Angst davor zu haben. Ich bin, wer ich bin, wenn du bei mir bist. Ich zeige mich, meine Gefühle, ich lasse es zu, dass du mit mir meine Schmerzen stillst und du schaffst es...
Niemals ein böses Wort von dir
Die schönste Berührung zwischen dir und mir
Deine Nähe zu spüren schaffst es allein mich zu beruhigen. Es scheint für mich eine Notwendigkeit geworden zu sein, dich in meiner Nähe zu haben, dich zu berühren, dich zu spüren, damit ich verstehen kann, dass du da bist, damit ich sicher bin, dass ich nie wieder allein sein werde. Bei jeder Berührung zwischen dir und mir schießt dieses wundervolle Gefühle durch meinen Körper, der mir sagt, dass es okay sei sich fallen zu lassen...
Du fängst mich immer wieder auf
Und du gibt's immer, was ich brauch
...denn du bist immer für mich da, stoppst meinen Fall, hälst mich fest. Alles, was ich brauche, habe ich in dir gefunden. Meinen Halt, meine Kraft, meine Hoffnung, meine Liebe.....
Das, was mir an dir gefällt
Ist einfach nicht von dieser Welt
Es scheint wirklich nicht von dieser Welt..denn du bist alles für mich. Mein Ein und Alles... Unschätzbar....

Hun? I hope you understand...
I love you
<3

hmm Óo

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:51:26 GMT

I feel kinda stupid now...

everything I do seems to be wrong...
I fuckin´ don´t understand it -.-

<3

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 00:39:36 GMT

<3

I'm here to bring you back to life
I'm here to say it is alright
You are who you are
You don't have to explain

<3

Wow O____o

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 08:56:26 GMT

I am suprisingly able to cry... its somehow shocking and on the other hand some kind of wonder...
it took hours to get the first tear. i felt like crying since yesterday morning, i was in need to cry since then, in a fuckin need. and now i am able to ... again.

I am a cowardly fool.
not more not less...
that´s fuckin all i am ...
sad...

So now, Iam going to loose you as well. Not that i´ve lost too many important people in the last time, on purpose by the way. But I don´t want to loose you. I couldn´t bear to loose you. No, no way. It´s a friendship which is so enormous important to me. I don´t want to give it up...
and all in all it´s my fault -.-
again, always the same. I destroy everything ... that´s my profession as it seems.
Tears.... just tears right now if i face my lost.
But... but I need you.
I really do.
Even if i dont show it most of the time. I am not that person to show others things like this. You´d say now "so learn to do so" but its not as easy. I never did, I never talked about me, I never learnt to show my feelings, to speak out my thoughts, it´s so fuckin difficult to me -.-
I hate to say sorry again, cos i did so often it might be anything worth anymore.. -.-

Please, don´t leave me alone...don´t leave me behind.
Please
Please stay with me.
Please
I beg you on my knees to give me one more chance...
Don´t pull me away...
Please ... ... ... ...

Are you strong enough to bleed????
Fuck yes, I am ....
At least I am strong enough to bleed.

Choose to be me

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 04:32:12 GMT

I am not able to talk about, there are no words leaving my mouth, no matter with who i am talking, no matter how hard i try. I fail again and again -.-
I am so afraid ... afraid of all the things happening around me. About what will be, about thinks are right now. but moreover I am so fuckin afraid of myself. And it hurts. Deep inside me this hurt kills me. There s a need but i fight it.
I fight the need, I fight the hurt but all in all it´s clear I´ll loose...it´s a fight i can´t win.
I fear nothing
But the fact that I'm afraid of everything
doesn´t matter what actually i am thinking about, it just scares me to death. my future, oh lord it´s like a living hell just to spent one second thinking about what will be.
I´ll leave I guess at least. I hope, I hope for heavens sake, I hope so much. If I won´t get this okay it is over. I wouldn´t see any hope left to continue like i did the last month. I don´t have the strength to go on like this. I have to go, I need to go...
I turned away
I choose the path that I believe in
But people don´t understand me. Telling me how much they would miss me. Oh sorry that I don´t believe you in anyway. I am not able to, i am really sorry. But I see how much I can rely on those who are screaming loudest now - not even in the slightest way. Forgotten - 70km distance... so what will it look like with a distance of 2200 km???????? will there be calls? will there be visits? will there be letters? oh i don´t think so. Sorry, no. I have to apologize but I´ll leave you behind without any further glance...no problem to me. at least i pretend.
But there are things I already miss, things I need, I love, I adore. People ... my family. My mum, my dad, my bro, auntie, leonie... yeah those five persons make my family. and it´s fuckin hard to leave them behind. not because i won´t see them anymore but furthermore because I know which pain I cause them -.-
I know daddys way to keep me from going, I understand his way. He tries to show me how nice everything is right now right here. He tells me words he hopes I´ll make mine. -.- No chance, I am sorry.
I was raised by this town
To believe the words they put inside me
They made me hide
Inside their loving arms around me
I know they only want the best for me. I understand them. I know how much I hurt them with my goodby. And it fuckin hurts me, too.
I stand today
Above the shady nights behind me
But I have to make them understand what´s going on in my head. That´s the purpose on each relationship. Understanding each other. Showing and explaining your position to make it easier for the other side. But how could I explain? How to find words about what´s going on in my head? What´s crushing my heart??? I am going to die if I stay here.... but they don´t understand. They only see the adventure I am doing... sigh
Choose to be me
To be free to be my way
I saw the light shining right in my eyes
But I´ve made my decision. And even if I won´t get them to understand it until I am leaving, there is no way out. I have to be me. I have to do what my heart forces me to do.
Inside the night
I write the lonely story of my life
It makes me cry
But I want to know it 'til the last line
And even if I have to face it all alone I´d go.
I knew my name
Would only be for lonely riding
There is no one, nothing that could stop me from going home. I will leave with your support or without. I have always been good on my own. I survived til know eh? Even if it is a lot harder all alone (no hun I know I ll never be all alone *love*) I´ll make it ... I have to
Destiny blow it away
I'm made for lonely riding
But please, I beg you on my knees, stand by me. Try at least to understand, to feel, to see. Don´t close your eyes in front of all those beauty I am talking about. Don´t ...
You want reasons eh? Reasons everyone understands...Hmm
You want to know what this is all about? You want to understand why I fell in love with this country? Why?
Happiness is here with me
It's made for all the days I see
Happiness is holding me around and round and round and round and round

There is only one wish: Accept my decision and help me through those days ...

<3

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 22:55:43 GMT

Who or what do you really love?

View 500 Answers

hun <3 ^___________^

and my fuckin guy

(part 1) I don't want the world to see me

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:53:57 GMT

'cos I don´t think that they´d understand
-.-

What to write? How to start? It's difficult, it's fuckin' hard to find the right words, to find words in general -.-
The last days opened my eyes, so many happend, so many things were said, normally left unsaid. I had to think a lot, had to take a deep look inside myself and all in all i didn't grew more clever now XD
But not to understand myself doesn´t mean that i don´t understand in general. I understand so many things, I ever did. I am not blind, I see and I recognize almost everything. I am good at understanding little signals, gestures or even unsaid words.
So it honestly has been no suprise at all. Not even in the slightest way, actually. But it was kinda shocking to read the 'said' words. You spoke out what was on your mind, you told your thoughts, you told me.It was hard to read. I had to cry, I was confused for minutes, just starring at the screen, not knowing what to think, what to say, how to react.
And even an hour later - we have been to bed - tears were pouring down my face again. I cried for hours even if I am not sure at all about the reason.
Was it guilt I felt?
Was it suprise?
Or have I only been so fuckin' down ´cos I realized that we didn´t speak at all for month. That both of us had the same things in mind, same worries, same fears. But none of us dared speaking those words out aloud. We should have done it earlier. We had to -.-
But we didn´t!
And this is a fact we can´t change anymore. So, let´s try to do the best of it right now. Try to use words more often, try to show when something´s going wrong, when pain grows too strong. Show it, show me, tell me!
I please you to do so. I beg you ... if necessary on my knees.
But please don´t wait for so long another time. Please!

I reread your entry several times. Always with the same result. Tears, some kind of guilt, fear, emptiness!
I don´t know how to explain to you what´s going on in my head. I still don´t dare to take the words lying on my tongue. ´Cos I fear to blame you or anyone else again.
I am good at it, I recognized the last days. And before you sigh out loud now: yeah, I know it´s not everytime my fault, I don´t want to hurt, I don´t suppose to do those things. They are quiet normal to me but others they DO hurt.
But sometimes - no almost always - the truth is brutal and it fuckin' hurts.
So what to say but SORRY? Sorry for everything. Sorry that I hurt you, sorry that I can't change it, no matter what I´d say, it wouldn´t change anything. You know it as well as I do.
But I´ve to say things. I´ve to speak them out. Or at least to write them. ´Cos as you might have recognized I haven´t been albe to talk to you about those certain things as we have been out at your birthday. Even as Dany was going to start to discuss this topic the only thing I have been able to do was starring at the table, looking in my drink. I avoided to look into your face, couldn´t stand a glance into your eyes...
I was numbed. I felt uncomfortable.
It was not the right time..
So I try it now, try it with written words, maybe they could help me at least a bit. Maybe they could make you understand, somehow, maybe, a bit, just a lil bit...

I made a decission. Month ago. No, actually years ago. But I have been to cowardly all the time. I pushed it away from me, tried to go on living as if never anything had happend. As if everything was okay. But it wasn´t.
It never has been perfectly at all. But since this one day, since this fuckin' day we - yeah we together with Maksi - did our first step on finnish ground, my whole world changed.
Those days showed me the reality about living. They teached how you can feel .... feel in a way I never did before. Free, home, sheltered, safe, satisfied...
all in all happy
I found what I´ve been searching for so long. I arrived.
And as you know - cos you felt totally the same - it was the hardest ever to leave again, to leave it all behind not knowing if we´ll ever be back.
We placed a part of our soul there and as well a part of our heart.
The next month have been difficult, but we had enough distraction. Life changed. School was over, University began. We both made our way, but still were connected by this one strange and odd thing we still have no name for.
Deep in our heart we felt the longing to get back soon. We left something there. A part of us was kept 'home' and we had this fuckin' need to feel complete again.
We were seized with fear ... we were afraid to get never back again.
We tried to pretend.
Yeah,
So keep on pretending!!!
But ... it was not possible at all.
You can´t lie to yourself all the time. Not posssible..how hard you try, it´ll never work.

Then January came and we weren´t able to pretend anylonger. I remember this one day, it was a monday, I´ve been to university and you wrote me something like "I know I am stupid but I´ve been looking for flights. They are so cheap. Let's get going..." and I respond "AT ONCE!"
And so we went on...March came. March was unbelievable ^^ It was us, we have been together. The connection grew closer somehow. We felt the same. Visited our 'parts' we left last time there to be kept safely. And we felt complete again. We were happy, we were all in all satisfied...we did not need anything else.
Everything was ok^^

I have to interrupt now...just for one comment.Do you remember the night before we took-off ??? we were talking for hours, not sleeping at all. We talked about everything that came into our minds. About funny things, like our favourite finns or "ja-panisch" XD but as well about serious things. really serious things. you told me about some problems you had&have. And Ilistened but never told you that I´ve got the same problem as well...-.- I am sorry.
Ok, that's not what I wanted to talk about....
so I should go on with the actual topic...

we came back....all day life continued. university and all this stuff. and it grew worse. everything -.- We felt this longing even more than ever before. Our life's started to go wrong. University made problems. I for myself felt as unlucky as never before -.- It didn't satisfy me at all. Nothing made me happy and I had to let a lot people go. I quit with them cos I felt missunderstood. I knew the time had come where I had to face life on my own. Where I had to fight all alone. Where I had to make decissions about who´s worth to be still by my side. who might support me and who hasn´t shown any support for me at all.
It was a time of changes. Changing mind and heart. You had the same time somehow as well eh?
But I went on...remained silent...
You made your application to spend your summer in finland. I wished you all the best. From the bottom of my heart. But it hurt a bit. Not because I was angry or jealous of you. No way. I was angry with me ... I hated me for everyhting I haven´t done, I didnt´t reach. I haven´t givven my best so I had to talke the consequences. There were no options....
I did my tests at universtiy. did them very good without learning. but still had so many difficulties at university. things didn´t work as I wanted them to. I got depressed. I felt in a deep black hole.
This was the time you left. The time you had the chance to spent the time of your life up there. To enjoy "Home"...
I remained silent...
Tried to hide myself in front of anyone. Didn't live anymore. Lost hope, lost life.
You never knew about my time. ´Cos I never told anyone about this. I wanted to fight on my own. I thought that I had to face it all alone, without anyone. But I lost my fight. It was about the 25th of July...as my world broke into pieces.
i don´t know how to explain what I was living through. I gave up hope, I gave up myself. I saw no chance out of it. And honestly I didn´t care anymore. Nothing had a matter to me anymore. It were hard times. It was like living deep down in a hole hidden in the earth, buried alive.
I never felt like this before. I lost contact to anything and anyone. Three weeks I´ve been nothing, non-existing.
Until someone offered me a hand to get me out of this...I was saved..my saviour came.
And I never spoke about this. Only he and me know.
But feelings stayed. Not in this extent.
In this desperate mood I had to go back, back home to feel again, to leave my thoughts my worries and all this happenings behind.
I booked my holidays. First finland holidays without you. It felt strange, I felt guilty, it felt so wrong... but I saw no other chance for me. I had to do so.
And I went on. I ve been to finland, seen home again. got my complete-feeling again. needed it so much.
But as I´ve been there it was your turn to hit the ground...

And there came a break...

And I ve to make a break as well now.... I can´t go on writing...need some more time to arrange my feelings and give them words...cos now the part beings, where things changed....

To be continued....

[I´d love Anne and Dany to read this too cos I might explain some things in it you don´t understand. And maybe you won´t understand at all, never. But Ihope that you accept....&hearts;]

downstairs upstairs

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 05:01:08 GMT

I messed up everything in the last days. made such a chaos.

bottoms up!

I ve hurt anyone close to me, produced jealousy in so many minds, have shown bad behaviour, have been unbearable.
i didnt tell the truth at all, spared the details -.-
and so i did hurt again :( again and again....

argued a lot and cry even more.

my heart hurts so fuckin much and i feel misunderstood. want to explain so much, but my words are missing.
i ve no idea to get this okay again -.-

I am so fuckin sorry ...

- Sorry my love for being so silly to you the last days -.- I know you only want to show me your love, show me that i get your help and show me moreover that i need help -.-
- Sorry my hun for not speaking out my mind again and again, for not telling you about my feelings, for not even trying to explain -.- i miss u so much
- Sorry alina for producing such thoughts in your mind, for hurting you and moreover for not talking to you. there are so many things i want to tell you, i wanted to tell u since summer. so much left unsaid because i didnt dare -.-
- Sorry anne for producing this kind of jealousy. i know it feels bad and i am so sorry -.-
- Sorry mum for never telling you anything, for hiding my entire feeling in front of you, for hiding myself. i know you worry a lot but we never had this kind of relationship and i guess we ll never ve -.-
- Sorry dad for arguing and arguing and arguing -.-
- Sorry Alex for not being this attentive sister i should be -.-
- Sorry Jessie for not telling you about all this, for hiding all this happenings and for not being totally trustfull -.- i ve hurt u i know, i ve hurt u so much and the words are missing to explain -.-
- Sorry nora for not being there in those times you need support -.-
- Sorry katrin for not being there for u at all, for leaving you behind -.-
- Sorry minna for doing this to you, even if we dont come along i feel so fuckin guilty -.-
(each of you will get an entire explaination and comment or 13564684letter text on your own..i promise...there are so many things to be said!)

I just feel sorry for everything, i regret so much and i hate myself right now -.-

I am sorry for not seeing that i ve kind of serious problem and i know hun and love you just did it on good purpose as you were talking about today, but i felt deceived - at least a bit. i know you two are right, i need someone to help me and you two are those ppl i guess. i wont get it alone out of my mess of feelings, my fuckin down and depressive mood and my other problem -.-
I see it now.. you opend my eyes....
but it doesnt make the whole situation easier -.-

I am weak and I am way too proud to admit I lost my fight -.-

I am sorry -.-